It's been several weeks since I have last written. A busy time in my life, to be sure. My son is getting married in two weeks, and I spent a few weeks in Northern Wisconsin at our lake house early in the month. It was pleasant, but rather lonely for me as my husband was not there for very long - just three days at the "fourth". I spent the second week with a cousin, whose company is good, so I don't mean to demean it - but I have been wanting to spend a little time with my husband.
He has been in a job that takes him to other states the majority of the time. And because he is and always has been a career focused person and a workaholic, it seems family has come last on his to-do list for some time. It's a not-uncommon scenario in lots and lots of households, I imagine. And on the bottom of that "sacrifices" list is time with his spouse - me. We talk about it, that sacrifices now in time and energy will benefit us in the long run, but it's really getting increasingly hard to take day to day. I spend my days largely alone, and my nights as well. Though my daughter lives at home yet, she has her own life and I see her almost nearly in passing.
So it was that last night we talked about spending a week together (as we have been planning for some months) following our son's wedding. We have friends coming with us for four days, but following that was to be time spent together. Last night I was informed that after our friends (business friends) leave, he may have to leave again too. He did this to me last year as well. I looked forward to our week together, only to see him bolt as soon as the business guests were departed from our company. I suppose I should be grateful that he at least warned me this year, but it doesn't tamp down the disappointment in any way. Or the feelings that it's all just a bit unfair. Everyone gets his time but me.
I couldn't tell him I was terribly hurt. Again. I think because in saying it out loud it makes the bruise all the more real and all the more painful. Instead I rolled over and tried to sleep, which ended up being a very fitful night for me. I noted he slept soundly.
It's had me thinking all about disappointment today and how people (and I) deal with it. I'm a stuffer. I just take a deep breath and choke back the inevitable tear and push it down, holding in my dismay and dejection. I was raised to never let others see your emotions. Funny, because I'm an emotional person, really. My feelings are usually all over my face, even if I don't say a word. But I'm certainly not a screamer or bitcher/moaner or conversely a "take it in stride" person either. I simply stuff the feelings away and try to move on. Problem is...I don't actually ever move on. And then resentment builds, like a volcano lying dormant waiting for the right time to blow.
So lately I am feeling as if the magma is rising and that the top of the mountain is about to come off. And as I said, I'm no yeller, so it won't be violent - more like the insistent hissing of steam from a bubbling teakettle. I'm really tired of taking a backseat and of being made of "cellophane", as my earlier blog eluded. The confrontation will have to take place soon, and I dearly hate confrontations. What to do....what to do....
First things first - I think I need a nap to sleep on it. Maybe the feelings will be gone when I get up. Or maybe not.